How ‘Family Guy’ is like a lot of bad relationships

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When any loving relationship between two human beings comes to an end, it’s always sad. There’s crying, there’s questioning of the decision, there’s regret, but in the end, there’s a realization that the relationship ended for a reason and it’s time to move on.

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That relationship turns into a life lesson and helps you with future relationships. You figure out the things you could’ve done differently and apply them to your new love. It’s how people grow.

However, the cautionary tale of Family Guy shows what happens if after a breakup, you decide to return to the troubled relationship and stay together forever.

Imagine Family Guy is your first real, long-term, adult relationship. When you first met Family Guy, you were blown away. You’d never met anyone like Family Guy before. You were head over heels for Family Guy. It was new, exciting, different. Family Guy kept you on your toes. You couldn’t wait to spend time with Family Guy. You thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with Family Guy.

After three years, though, you had your doubts. “Boy, Family Guy and I aren’t really going anywhere,” you thought. “I’m just not into Family Guy like I used to be. There have to be better options out there than Family Guy.” You would always cherish your three years together with Family Guy, but in the end, it was best if you went your separate ways. You just weren’t getting from Family Guy what you were getting earlier in the relationship.

You still kept in touch with Family Guy, though. Family Guy seemed to need you more than you needed Family Guy. You started playing the field. You spent time with The Shield, The Wire. Heck, you were so into seeing what was out there, you found yourself with 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter. You weren’t proud of that last one, but you were just having fun.

All the while, there was Family Guy trying to win you back. Family Guy would call you at work and ask to meet for lunch under the guise of being friends, but really, Family Guy just wanted to give you some DVDs from your three years together. You laugh and reminisce about that time Stewie said that thing in that accent and laughed, or how Peter laughed in his funny way and was fat, or how Chris was fat. It was nice.

Still, you kept Family Guy at a distance because you know it didn’t work out between you two for a reason. You tried to start something special with Chappelle’s Show, but you knew Chappelle’s Show wasn’t looking for anything long-term. But everywhere you looked, there was Family Guy in syndication. You got lonely, desperate, started wondering if you would wind up old and alone.

After three years apart, you welcomed Family Guy back into your arms. It was safe, familiar. You remembered all the great things, as people tend to do years after a breakup. You started thinking, “Why did we break up again?” You couldn’t remember the lack of clever writing or funny jokes on a consistent basis. You just remembered the good stuff, the one or two great laughs you had and not the poor story telling and lack of true laughs despite the non-sequitur format allowing for the freedom to make jokes about absolutely anything.

It all came back to you after about a year with Family Guy, but at that point it was too late. You’d given up. You’d settled. Family Guy was back in your life for good. You couldn’t break up again, put yourself through all that again. This was the best you could do, and no matter how miserable you were with Family Guy, you would convince yourself that Family Guy was the best thing out there no matter how uninteresting you found Family Guy deep down inside.

And what do miserable people in marriages do to make themselves happy? They have kids, of course.

In your case, you had two kids with Family Guy — American Dad and The Cleveland Show. And your kids are just as awful as Family Guy, because you hate Family Guy and children that aren’t born out of love are soulless and awful. Everyone hates your kids. No one understands why you and Family Guy are together, never mind why you decided to make replicas.

But you have to love your kids, too. You have to tell yourself your kids are talented and full of promise even though you know your kids are so terrible and stupid that you have to constantly make sure they don’t go and stick and fork in an electric socket. Your kids are behind the other kids the same age, but you have to pretend not to see it. And all the while, Family Guy is walking around in a spaghetti-covered undershirt and beating you about the face and neck once a week.

And it’s all because you forgot why the relationship ended in the first place. If you had just stayed patient and independent, you and Community could be lying in each other’s arms every night. But no, you let Family Guy come crawling back with promises of wonderful times and Community is having a hard time finding someone despite being a great catch.

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